0 In Spice

I am Special


I've been staring out this window for an hour now. there's something about the rain and airplanes that makes you think about everyone and everything in your life. I sat there thinking about the first time I met you, and the moment I knew I wanted to know you better. I thought you were so special, a rare breed in this city. I thought you thought I was special too, maybe you did. but, i think it's different now. i'm not sure if you're different now or if it's just different with me. but do you know what it feels like to find someone so special and knowing they don't think the same of you? it's an interesting feeling. I guess I've always been the one to self sabotage and run away from potential before losing it, always one foot out before it begins. because god forbid something is good. god forbid something is great. god forbid if it goes away. I've always been that person, and I'm trying not to be anymore. I'm not sure you've ever been that person, but maybe I pushed you to be. but I like to pretend you might find me as special as I find you. I like to make up monologues and scenarios in my head of the days when you might realize how special I am. but, it's torturous. hoping for a moment that may never come, writing poems till the sun goes cold and letters I'll never send, staring out windows questioning if I'm special or I just think I am. I'll always wonder what I am to you. if i'm just your guilty pleasure, the one you'd go back to, but always looking for something better. i hope you don't treat anyone else like this. i hope you find what you're looking for. i hope you don't lose yourself in the process. but, I don't need anyone in my life that doesn't want me in theirs. i don't need someone that makes me feel like a burden or an obligation.

and, i'm still looking out the same window, but now the sun is shining bright. I like to think it's God reminding me I am special, and I shouldn't let anyone take that away from me. maybe one day, if God so desires, you will wake up, and realize that. and if you don't, someone else will see how special I am.


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