this isn't like the time the boy decided he didn't like you when you started liking him.
this isn't like the boy who decided to ignore you for no reason for 8 months.
this isn't one of those times where you confuse love with wanting to feel loved.
this time is much, much different.
you feel empty. not just a sad feeling. but, after watching a part of your life walk out your front door, you start thinking about all the last times. last kiss. last coffee run. last hug. last dog walk. last movie and mac and cheese night. last i love you. last.. last... last.
you keep going back in forth between moments of completely clarity and then complete chaos. one moment you're fine. you're okay. you see the light at the end of the tunnel that everyone promises you exists. but, then you see that picture hanging up on the wall & the old starbucks cup with their name written on it & an old stack of letters reminding you of better days. & and you lose all perspective, once again.
they don't tell you you will dry heave from tears.
they don't tell you that you will fall to the floor because your legs don't understand the point of standing without them.
they don't tell you that you will feel incredibly hollow and alone.
they don't tell you that everything will sound so distant, like the world is happening without you.
how you'll hear cars driving past you but they sound so far away.
how the sound of familiar friendly voices will never be louder than the sound of your heartbeat in your ears
it's like your ears and eyes and body are clouded. clouded with darkness. with withdrawal. with desperation. with regret.
& your mind is consumed with with thoughts of what you could have, should have, or would have done differently.
but that was then, and this is now. And, they do say it gets better with time. & it does.
you start to find beauty in other things, other people.
you learn that you can't let the fear of getting hurt keep you from growing.
you realize that truly loving someone sometimes means letting them go.
you start to rebuild the parts you lost of yourself in the one you loved.
you learn that the only person that can save you is yourself.
you realize that you will always miss them, forever love them, and soon be able to stand without them.