i create little worlds in my head. i have little people pull my dreams & memories out of filing cabinets & turn them into stories, turn them into poetry, & turn them into pictures so i can see these little worlds that are inside of me. these little people in my head remind me of people & things i love or long to forget, moments i want to relive, moments when i lost myself & found myself again or the day i will finally figure out who i am. they create the impossible, control the inevitable, & commemorate the favorable. some moments i want to live in forever, but i can't control where my heart's map takes me to in my head. i can't control the emotions or thoughts that make me broken. i can't control how lost i get in these little worlds. always between my two minds that are constantly going from reality & my lost perception of time. but, sometimes i get stuck in a world i can't get out of, sometimes i lose sight, sometimes my light begins to flicker & dim & darkness sets in. it all depends on what the little people pull out of the filing cabinets. they always look for a little world where i belong, but until then, they bring me to the future, past, and moments that may never happen. so i guess i dream too much, think too much, don't sleep enough & when i wake up i realize these little worlds aren't real. these little people don't exist. these little worlds are all just created in my head.
(my 30 day self-portrait series) day 30: the real world I guess i dream too much, think too much, don't sleep enough & when i wake up i realize these little worlds aren't real. these little people don't exist. these #littleworlds are all just created in my head.
day 29: look for my hues i came up with concept as i was editing. my original idea was not coming out and i thought my face looked weird so i deleted it. then i was like hmmmm i wonder if i.. then we ended up here. i guess in some sense i was trying to show the colors inside that you may not see on the surface. you're not a "lack of color," but every color of the rainbow, just gotta look for the hues.
day 27: haunting saying you don't believe in ghosts is saying you don't believe in me, you turned me into a shadow of who i used to be.
day 26: overhead it's that dark cloud that hangs overhead, the one that follows you around, the one you cannot get rid of, the one that keeps you down. we've all been underneath it, some of us stuck,but some of us cat n't out.
day 25: vessels i was listening to tiny vessels bv death cab recently (& all the time) which sparked this idea. i find it interesting these are what pump blood to our heart. I like to think that maybe we just pour our love into someone''s vessel, hoping they do the same.
day 24: numb i think there's something that happens to you after you've lost something special. you're stoic, but incredibly fragile. you choose to be numb because it's easier that way. you feel everything and nothing all at the same time. waiting for the day when you will let someone thaw your heart so something beautiful can grow again.
day 23: amaroq my friend kate creates these amazing & one of a kind intricate crowns by hand. amaroq uses animal sensitive and sustainable materials. any animal products are shed and collected naturally. each design embodies the raw and carnal beauty of the wilderness, and untamed femininity. on top of that, she is one of the kindest & most talented girl I know. Her crowns are just as beautiful as she is.
day 22: new muse you stirred the winds of my creativity & clouded my every thought then the sky, my eyes, & mind opened up & I realized I need a new muse because i'm out of words for you.
day 21: bare i've been in this weird place all day. i was afraid i was running out of ideas. i couldn't focus on one thing. i couldn't just take a moment and realize i didn't need to be so hard on myself. so this is the bare moment of simplicity that i needed today.
day 20: transatlantic this is a death cab reference. favorite album. i wanted to capture the melancholy of the song trasatlanticism. there's a distance between two people whether physically or emotionally & all she has is the ocean holding her together.
day 19: for the story i've made my life a movie & i'm writing it scene by scene. so i tend to create situations just "for the story." i'm a little too forward, too impulsive, too much sometimes. I get lost in my stories, blinded by my expectations, and run away from my reality. the ending i always tend to rewrite, i hold on to too many moments, and over dramatize.
day 18: warm blood my best friends are in a band called flor. this is the name of one of my favorite songs by them. i guess I wanted to try to embody that song with their aesthetic. exuberant sounds with ethereal imagery. (sidetone: i am their biggest fan for reals like front row on the barricade forcing everyone to dance and scream with me because i know all the words with no chill fan) carry on. @florsounds
day 17: color me in love has let me down. after heartbreak, it's hard to start over from black and white after someone has brought so much color in to your life. but you have to be willing to turn the page and let someone new color you. still learning this.
day 16: dreamland also another name for area 51. i’ve always had a fascination with space & the extraterrestrial. & it’s interesting because ever since i was little i would tell my mom that i was an alien. maybe i thought i belonged somewhere else, some other world. but, the truth is out there. i believe. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
day 15: we were never as poetic as it seemed we just turned our chaos into poetry, drowning ourselves in the dead sea, blackholes of want and need. we never had the right words. we never said them the right way. we never had the right reasons of why we should stay
day 14: drown with me i pulled this title from the daughter song - shallows. essentially, i was dating someone & i knew it wasn't right, but i didn't know how to live without him. it was more of a need then anything else. "come out to the sea my love and just drown with me" he had become my identity. without him, i didn't know who i was. i felt like if it ended, I should too. but everything heals with time & so did i.
day 13: the awakening one of my favorite books is the awakening by kate chopin. one of the most interesting parts of the books is how it ends. *spoiler alert* at the end, edna walks out into the sea & drowns. it's never really clear if she commits suicide or if it was an accident. regardless, in her last moments, she remembers a phrase told to her that an artist is "a courageous soul that dares and defies." at this point, she no longer fits into society because she won't conform to the social norms. so she walks out to sea and has a spiritual, artistic, sexual awakening. it's her final defiance from the world. it's her final step towards freedom.
day 12: cloud of doubt i get lost in my doubt. i disappear into my clouded mind. i let it consume me. the cloud follows me & never really goes away. but, sometimes i find an opening where i can breathe again. sometimes i can think clearly. but, all the time, i'm looking for a light to pull me out.
day 11: it was never delicate, I was damien rice's song delicate was what i categorized one of my relationships to be. but now i look back and realize it wasn't delicate. i was. it wasn't fragile. i was. it couldn't bloom in to something because i wasn't ready for it. and i think that ended up being the most beautiful thing because i was able to grow on my own.
day 10: give me back to nature this is based on the song smother by daughter. there's a lyric that says "...all my layers can become reeds & all my limbs will become trees..." it's a very sad song. it's bit of hopelessness, a lot of i'm sorries, & a desperation of not wanting to be alone. so she thinks giving her body back to nature would be best for everybody.
day 7: content i always have those moments when i'm by the ocean that makes me reminisce and think about all the things in my life. i went recently, and i just remember looking out and thinking how i always wanting to be in love or with someone or loving someone. but, i had a moment where i realized i'm completely content being alone. and, it's one of the best feelings.
day 9: focus i want to do and be everything. but, i end up over committing myself with dreams and relationships and goals. i only have so much of me that i can give. i end up having trouble fully committing to anything because i spread myself too thin. i need to stop losing focus and letting myself get distracted. i need to learn i can't do or be everything all at the same time, even if i can in my little world. this is the real world & i need to take one idea at a time.
day 8: curious this one is just fun and whimsical. i love reading. i love words (probably a bit too much). i love throwing myself into different worlds (as we know). this is almost like i'm about to jump inside the book & get lost in it.
day 6: this moment this moment was one I wanted to live in forever, a moment I always went back to. the moment is gone, but the memory is there. there's a new moment now. there's something so serene about solitude. these moments are going to turn to memories someday so cherish them while you can. day 5: lost at z this one is very special to me. this is a page from "z" a novel about zelda fitzgerald. it was given to me because the person told me i reminded them of zelda. i guess after reading it i completely identify with her. but, this photo is kind of the idea of getting lost in a story and becoming a part of it. the page isn't anything specific. i just turned to a random one, but a friend pointed out that it said "one kind of art form" and "God's supposed glory?" i'll let you find your own interpretation of that one.
day 4: out of televisions i tend to have a lot of "out of body" and disassociated experiences. it's a struggle to keep my mind and body in the same place. as my mind gets pulled out, my body becomes static. i guess i associate it with how our televisions go static when they lose the stories inside of them. day 3: let go i've always loved floating photos. there's something so whimsical about floating in a forest. it's feels like letting go & trusting that everything will fall into place. it means not trying to control every aspect of your life. it means allowing yourself take risks. you may fall, but you will always float on (as modest mouse would say). day 2: hollow homes it's interesting because i physically feel my emotions in my bones. i've always called them "happy bones" or "hollow bones." so the times when i've been sad, i'll say i'm hollow, that my bones feel hollow. so my body is the home for my hollow bones. it's beyond a mental state of mind. i can actually determine my emotions based off how my bones feel. this portrays my "hollow" bones. if i portrayed my "happy" bones, it would be much more colorful & euphoric, maybe i will later on. day 1: manhattan this is based on a song called manhattan by sara bareillis. a boy introduced me to this song, and our relationship began to unravel in this way. we never were on different coasts but the distance felt like it. we both knew we had to give each other up. we were scared of losing each other, but knew we were losing ourselves. so we hung on to the good memories, but let each other go gracefully. "...you can have manhattan if i can't have you" & this is a drawing i did & i decided to composite it on my bare back because i find something so vulnerable in nakedness.xx kaykay