0 In Spice

This Is Hollywood: Part II

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we say our hearts are full
when they are actually hollowed out
we build our walls so tall
that we put our stars in the ground

this is Hollywood
nothing is as it seems
big lights, tall buildings, movie screens
i always said our love wasn't made for one
but this moment, this stage, this place, and this page.
might be my reasons why I am wrong

you talk too loud, and when you laugh, you make me think I might actually be funny
you think I blink too much and think too much, and I'll never understand the questions you ask
but we're learning.
you see God in the pillow behind my couch
& I hear God in the poetry that comes from your mouth.
and I know I said "I can't so I won't"
but would you please let me put those words back in my throat?
because no pillow or poem or quote
can make sense of this roller coaster we've come to know

you just wrote me to be someone I couldn't be
& I expected you to know exactly what I would need
so I tried to put our chemistry in a box and it wouldn't fit
& I would say this is Hollywood. we’re always confusing passions with dramatics.

so you wrote a poem, then I wrote a poem
so you wrote a letter, then I wrote a letter
you've always done it first
i've just been trying to do it better
that's how it's always been
seeing which one of us could win

I’m tired of acting like the type of girl I hate because that’s not who I am
I’m tired of hearing you be so cynical about love and feeling like I’m the reason.
I'm just so incredibly tired of playing these games
but they seem to be the only way I can make you to listen to what I’m saying
so here I am playing for one last time
in hopes you'll stop
or change your mind

because you were the boy that got up on the stage
and you said you were willing to wait for the day
to hear me say that "we aren't going to be something else anymore. we are going to be this."
maybe you waited too long for the will that wouldn't come
maybe I became too crazy too overbearing too much too little too easy too difficult
maybe you're thinking "this isn't for me this girl is actually crazy"
living in some romantic comedy

i know i’m a whole lot of broken poetry
i know i tend to not flow rationally
i know i may love too hard and get lost in my thoughts
& you’ll tell me I'm Zelda, but guess what? that means your Scott

& if I ruined us because my muchness and my madness, then I'll take it
because all I ever did was love you with whatever I had to love you with
& if your need to be loved is greater than this
then maybe I just don't have enough to give

you say you're holding onto the future
& i say I’m holding on to now
you say we ruined each other,
but, i think we ruined ourselves

yet, if you still love me, let me know
& if you don't, then I promise I'll let this go
but letting a love like ours slip away
to silly fights, two bad nights, and stupid games
is not something I'm willing to do

because I know you know me.
don’t you, darling?
you do.


i was hesitant to release this because it was a little personal, and i wasn't sure if i wanted it to be out there in the world. but, it's an older poem & i figured why should i hold anything back, better yet, why should i let anybody hold me back.
so these are a few things I've learned from writing this.

1. i can write something longer than i thought i could.
2. don't hold back any part of your story.
3. take risks, regardless of the outcome.
4. if a boy writes a poem about you, write a better one.
5. love makes NO sense, but you'll figure out...eventually.

until then.


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