0 In Spice

Daughter Songs For Every Boy I've Ever Liked

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(names replaced with daughter songs)

dear landfill, three years ago, i would have said all of this to you. 8 months of silence to a year of you trying to reconcile & trying to makeup for past mistakes. although, i was happy you realized how much you hurt me, i forgave you a long time ago. but it's different now. i'm different now. you don't know me anymore & i want to keep it that way. i'm not your manic pixie dream girl you've created me to be, and i will never be. move on, find someone else, and stop putting me on a pedestal that i don't want to be on.

dear run, we have never been on the same page, always chasing time. the sounds of our heartbeats don't seem to be enough to keep it alive. you've always been scared of me, running away because you were afraid of getting too close. you're always one step ahead, one step behind, and following your fears. i hope one day you stop, not for me, but for you. you're gonna miss out on a lot of great people if you keep running. i tried to run with you, but i can't keep up. maybe you will stop or maybe one day i'll catch up. until then, we will stay in the dark & remember it for whatever it was.

dear shallows, maybe it was love maybe it was comfort. but, it was friendship. losing you as a friend was the hardest thing to cope with. i would relive some of our memories, if I could. and i'm sorry i wasn't the best i could be for you. i'm sorry i was always all over the place expecting you to figure me out. but thank you for always trying to. i'm mainly happy you're happy somewhere with someone else because we both knew it wasn't right & never would be. she seems to be exactly what you need & i'm glad we can both look back with fond memories and are content with where we are both going.

dear home, if i could take back that night, the one we all can't forget, although i do, I would in a heartbeat. i'm not sure what i did or what i said, but i know it hurt. i never want to know, but i want you to know i've grown from this moment. i've learned a lot about myself. maybe it needed to happen for me to really figure out where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be, and what type of person I needed to be with. i will forever be sorry, but i'm happy you have forgiven me. i'm happy you cared enough about me to make me move on. you always knew what was best for me, even when i didn't understand at the time. I'm happy you loved me enough to do so, even if it's a different type of love now.

dear candles, i guess i thought it was more than it was. i suppose i'm one of those people that can't disassociate emotions from expectations, and even though i thought i could. But, i'm proud of that. i don't think that's a bad thing. i always tip-toed around what i wanted and feared how'd you react. but, i'm glad i no longer do that. i'm glad i say how i feel and am not not scared of it anymore because it doesn't matter what you think of me. i won't feel empty or alone because i am confident in myself, and i don't need anyone to validate that for me. i don't want to be someone's comfort. i don't want to be a concept. i don't want someone to like the idea of me. i want someone to like me for me, and i'd like to think you do. but, i guess we will never know.

dear winter, we may not be strangers, but we are strangers to what we were. our winter was cold, and it ended as fast as we did. we understood each other better than anyone else, and i think that flame burned us out. we can't live with or without each other. maybe in another universe, another life, it would be different. it was always a game, despite are attempts to not make it that way. but, i think we've finally hit a good balance of where we should be and what we need to be. our hearts are no longer cold. our minds are no longer lost. we are no longer trapped between loving and hurting one another. i hope you find someone that doesn't make you crazy like i did because you deserve the best & i don't i think i was the best for you. this winter will still be cold, but not in the way it was. i hope it is never the way it was. but, promise me one thing, don't be so cynical, & let yourself fall in love again.

with love, kaykay


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